Another long blog post… I am just very thorough with my thoughts(:
I finally got the courage to look at my audition comments from February and it was more nerve wracking than the actual audition. I wasn’t expecting the worst but I wasn’t expecting the greatest. Let’s just say when I saw mine, I was shocked. I didn’t expect to see what I read. I’ll be completely honest, I read my comments and thought, “Why did I even audition?” Looking back to February and my comment sheet, I clearly picked the wrong songs, the wrong monologues and I didn’t even give anything worthy during the dance audition… I met with my advisor, Ted (who by the way is awesome), and completely broke down in tears when he was reading me my sheet. I was holding in the tears and everything I felt but he saw that right away; Ted told me to just let it all out. Surely, I did. I wasn’t crying because I didn’t get accepted or I could have done better; I cried because this is what I want to do with my life. I love performing so much, I truly can’t picture doing something else.
I don’t know if I should say this (or if I’m allowed to say this), but I’m an open book when it comes to theatre and I’m not going to be shy when I say what I need to work on from my comment sheet. I was told that the songs I picked were not suit for me, they expected more out of me, I struggle with matching pitch & sight reading, I had no objective with my characters and I don’t know how to dance (that one note was a given). I want to say thank you for writing those notes because if no one is going to tell me straight, I want something that will and that was my comment sheet. I truly do appreciate the comments and specific feedback.
Aside from my comment sheet and it’s feedback, I’ve been knocked down to the bone about my singing and acting since I could remember. I didn’t have voice lessons until my sophomore year in high school, I performed my first monologue when I was a freshman, I didn’t start training in aural skills until junior year and I have never taken a dance class until last Friday with Sam. Even with my lack of training, I tried so hard with that audition. I picked out my own songs (In His Eyes/Pulled) and monologues figuring that they were in my range and something I could portray well. I worked a lot on my own for this; I had the help of my voice teacher back home who I appreciate so much but I worked day and night from September to February to make my material perfect by myself. I guess the material I picked was wrong. Being wrong isn’t necessarily a bad thing but in this case, I wish I knew better.
The hardest part I have to deal with as an actress, that no one could possibly begin to relate to, are my looks. I’m not oblivious to the fact that I am no way near a size 2; I know I’m not skinny nor have I ever been skinny. I’ve been bigger my whole life and I’ve learned to accept that fact about myself; it has been the toughest pill I have ever had to swallow. With that said, roles that are meant for my size don’t come along that often and finding songs that fit characters I can play is difficult. There are actresses who are my size who made it Broadway, won Tony Awards and got nominated for Academy Awards. If actresses who are like me and have gone through probably the same things I’m going through, why can’t I do it? Who says I can’t be a successful working actress? My size shouldn’t mean anything when it comes to casting a show If I give an excellent audition, that should be able to get the attention of any director. Like the old saying, age is just a number, so is size; all it is is a number.
After looking through my audition comments, I have so much work cut out for me. Even with the tears and frustration I felt today, I’m so glad I looked at my sheet. It’s made me that more aware of my flaws that I know I can change. I plan on re-auditioning for BFA Musical Theatre in February with better material prepared and even more open minded than I was a year ago. Things I’ve learned in the last weeks will help me prepare; things I didn’t know in February or before I came to Fredonia. I have a second chance, a rare thing in life and in theatre especially, that I plan on taking complete advantage of. Even if I get denied again, I know I used my second chance the best I possibly could.
“When you know what you want, and you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it.” – Jim Rohn