I’ll be the one to point this out- I was not expecting to write another post until the new semester started. There are just some things that have been unsettling to me. I’ve been ignoring certain problems I’ve written about scattered in different posts, which I haven’t approached like I should. I haven’t been able to talk about this with anyone so I’ve been trying to ignore it. Ignoring these problems doesn’t seem to be working out anymore. I figured I’d write about everything here since I already do anyway!
Warning: This could get very long and it will be very personal.
To start off, I’ve been practicing and preparing my audition material which has been going extremely well. I’m more than happy with my material I plan on performing in February than I was last year. As well as everything is going, this little voice in the back of my head is telling me I shouldn’t audition. I have the angel and devil on my shoulders- one is telling me yes while the other telling me no. I know this what I want to do and I know I’m auditioning for all the right reasons. I’m scared I’ll be wasting my time, scared I’ll make the biggest fool out of myself in that audition room. Is this fear normal? Should I be feeling all of this? I’m more scared that I’m auditioning for no reason and wasting someone’s time. I know, you got to audition for anything you can get your hands on to get the job and do what you got to do but will I only be wasting people’s time? I’m not exactly what you see everyday when you walk into an audition room- I already have to work harder just to be seen on the same level as those who aren’t me. Regardless, you have to work hard to get any job you’re going after but for me, I can’t just up and go audition for any show there is, my size alone already cuts me from a large handle of shows I can never be in. That itself can be a little frustrating.
Second, I still have no remote idea of who I am as an actress. I really don’t. I don’t know which road I need to take to find myself or what I even need to find. I’ve made changes in myself throughout the semester which I feel and have noticed but where does this all play into the big picture? I still haven’t been able to make that connection to everything I have learned. I don’t understand- this is something I should have figured out a long time ago… Why is this harder than it has to be? I guess the reason why I haven’t been able to find out who I am is because all I know is how to be a part of the ensemble. I know how to blend into a chorus, make noticeable gestures without overshadowing leads and be just another face in a show. I don’t know how to be a developed character with a clear arc in a show. I did explore that territory this past semester in Acting lab which definitely got my feet wet. I got a good idea of what a strong character needs to be but I need to be pushed further if I’m ever going to get out of the world of ensemble; just so I can find who I am outside the ensemble. How am I ever going to find myself if I’m not pushed outside of my boundaries? Trial and Error doesn’t seem to be working anymore.
Third problem I’ve found has been the most bothersome- support. I love both parents more than I can possibly explain and they do support me majoring in theatre and especially re-auditioning again for musical theatre- they might not agree but they support. The frustrating part about their support is sometimes it feels like they don’t support me enough. I feel like I have to explain my reason for majoring in theatre or why I want to try and pursue something professionally. Even when I try to explain myself or say anything remotely right, they always say I don’t need to explain myself; but it always feels like I do. I know it’s going to be hard, I know it’s going to take a lot of patience and I know I will have my work cut out for me. I need to make my own mistakes in this business. I need both my parents and my family to know that. My biggest fear is that one day I’m going to get a huge, “I told you so” speech. I’m not bashing my parents for the lack of support I feel I haven’t gotten because they have been there through all my ups and down I’ve experienced. They have been amazing in other areas of support; I’m just wanting a little more. Maybe I’ll get more support I need as college and my major(s) move forward.
Last problem: dreams vs. reality. I know what I want and I’ve known what I’ve want to achieve for the last few years. It’s just the doubt if I can actually do it. I’ve always second guessed myself in everything I do- theatre, school and life. I’ve always been like that. I see people and instantly know that they’re going to make it somewhere. I know someone who is already a stable actor, has a successful career in theatre and is only 23! I look at that and wish to God that was me. I see that and think, “You’re living my dream”- I can’t help but be jealous and most importantly, intimidated. I think looking at those successful makes me a thousand times more motivated to go after what I want. They were small at one point, they had to work their way up to the top- that’s exactly what I’m going to have to do too. Even with the motivation and everything else, will the reality of my dreams be bigger than my dreams itself? Who knows.
This probably should have been left on a couple pages in the middle of my nonexistent diary but it would still be hidden and that wouldn’t help me one bit. This might not be exactly something I should be sharing or writing about here but I’ll be honest, writing all this actually made me feel a little better. I did repeat myself in this post with things I’ve mentioned in previous posts but I’m okay with that; I had to get all my thoughts organized and in order. Hopefully now that I have my thoughts in some sort of order, I’ll find the answer I’m looking for.
I promise- next post I write will be uplifting and happy! (:
“Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world right in the eye.” Helen Keller
Zoe
